Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
