pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
