You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
