Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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