My first STD was from a foam party
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
