On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
