I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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