I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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