I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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