Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
