I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
