I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
