Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
