I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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