We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
