he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
