Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
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I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
They have beer where we have blood.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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