If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
