He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
