can u get pink eye on your cock?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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