I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
