Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like a drive thru vagina
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
