There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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