not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
