If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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