my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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