I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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