I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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