I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed