What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
