Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone