What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
