You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
