help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
