You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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