I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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