i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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