my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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