If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
