another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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