bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
