Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my sisters under your porch take her home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
