Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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