There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Sext me about skeletons
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
