Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
