I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
