Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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