Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
