for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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