90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
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