I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i am craving dick and cupcakes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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