I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
