they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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