Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
