please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
