Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
