guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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