She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
