i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
